I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
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Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP