Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
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I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.