9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?