When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
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sliding into dms like
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
We have a winner.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Pickled cat.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what