Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
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Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.