I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
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My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
That’s what I call a flat tire
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg