#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
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Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.