Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.