[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
You Might Also Like
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Finally!
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop