Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
B
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that