You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
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Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house