*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
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If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Breaking news:
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
peep davidson
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.