So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
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Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you