age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
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Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I’ve had relationships like this
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Pigeon open mic night.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.