My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
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*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.