Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
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I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.