Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
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I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
It was worth a shot 😂
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right