My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
You Might Also Like
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid