To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
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I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Damn what did I do next
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.