[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
he’s doing your taxes
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”