Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
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sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.