It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
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Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.