I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding