People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
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I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time