Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
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(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
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