911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
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Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I love you…
…r dog.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.