Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.