(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
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Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again