Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
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The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd