Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
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[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
drew a comic about my origin story
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.