The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
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ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
What a year we’ve had this week.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
pizza
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.