I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
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DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
this is me
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.