Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
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getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.