I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉