Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
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My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting