I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Safety first
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
so i’m at the stock market right
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.