Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
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So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: