I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
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If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
War & Peace