“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.