I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
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don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am