What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
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I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES