Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
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The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”