[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
what it’s like dating me:
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.