Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
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Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.