I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
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“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Best spot.. 😅
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.