Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
You Might Also Like
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does