Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
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If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me driving through Toronto
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”