1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
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Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
I wish this was real life…
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.