“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
You Might Also Like
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
These 3D printers are insane!
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
the chicken was already gone when I got here