[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata